Monday, June 25, 2012

Oh How Things Change

Do you ever wonder what goes on in your spouse’s head sometimes? Why they make the choices that they do and how everything they do is supposed to be done for the best interest of the family?  I didn’t.  Really, I didn’t.  I trusted my husband when he stood up and made his vows. I believed him on the rare occasions he told me that he loved me. I didn’t question his walks or working late because I didn’t think I was “one of those women”. Unfortunately I found out I was and my life is not going to be the same.

It has taken me a long time not to be the angry and bitter wife, finding out about the almost year long affair, the sneaking around and now, ultimately, the disillusion of the marriage and loss of my home. I have prayed, cried, yelled, found a support system that could only be from God and cried and yelled some more. I have gone through temporary orders, final orders and am in the process of packing my house to leave the place that through blood, sweat and tears we turned into OUR house.  I have posted pictures on this blog of construction, vacations, friends and family and all that was thrown away with “I deserve to be happy” and a lot of excuses and denial to only end up with…”I never loved you unconditionally” and HE became more important than the WE. 

I refused to use this blog for MONTHS for fear of what would come from the tips of my fingers and would cause damage, not only to myself but to the grandchildren (and those still to come) and I think that the Lord knew what he was doing when he helped me make that choice. 

I still have new things happening, new memories to record, new stories to tell and things to share.  I have new connections to make, new friends and new challenges. This is my new normal.

Is it easy? Nope.  Is it what I wanted when I put on the big dress and walked down the isle? Nope.  Am I stronger because of it? Absolutely.

I am back now, and this is my new life.